Recently, a friend of mine was telling me a tale about how he likes this lady and wants to be with her, and so on. I indulged him some more and asked him what he was going to do about it, and he said he was going to be as convincing as he could to get his point across to her.
It didn't sit right with me, because it's common knowledge that being pursued around by a man they don't particularly like may be a turnoff for women.
So my friend continued that for a few days until the woman became irritated with his pranks and urged him to stop.
Therefore, the moral of the tale is that if you truly want to ask a woman out, there are methods to get a 'yes' out of her that don't entail chasing her!
Asking a lady out might be a scary experience, but it is completely healthy and feasible. And if you are refused, like my friend was, don't give up.
This is not how it should be. You must be direct, courageous, and confident while asking someone out. And you must fully grasp — and believe — that rejection is not the end of the world. It's a positive thing if you're rejected. You don't want to waste your time with someone who isn't interested in spending time with you, and you also want to respect the boundaries of others.
We have the advice you need to get that date, whether it's through an app, text, or in-person (or at least try). This is how you ask someone out (without, you know, being weird about it).
1. Discover What You Have in Common
If you have a huge crush on someone, figure out what you two have in common and go from there. It also includes the process of getting to know her better, so you must first create a relationship before you can establish anything else.
If you two enjoy comparable hobbies, have similar musical interests, or anything else that might increase your chances of hanging out together, certainly start there. It's usually a good idea to find common ground before making the next move.
2. Express Your Feelings
Emotions are difficult to manage. When you ask someone out, you must inform them about your feelings without knowing their sentiments or being certain of their feelings. When you invite someone to hang out with you, you run the risk of being rejected. If you don't know someone well, you can be concerned that rejection would be harsh or dismissive. It might be simpler in certain instances not to communicate why or how much time you want to spend with that individual. You may opt to ask for something low-stakes, such as asking them to a party you're holding or to join you and your pals in some other huge group activity.
3. Avoid overthinking it.
When it comes to making the first move, we might be our own worst enemy. Fear of rejection is one of the most serious relationship issues that guys confront.
Don't let it stop you. "No one wants to seem stupid or be rejected for being themselves," says clinical sexologist and psychotherapist Dr. Kristie Overstreet. "There is also a difficulty with feeling well enough. This anxiety and dread prevent us from taking good risks like putting ourselves out there. This form of thinking occurs to preserve our ego and keep us from being damaged."
4. Demonstrate Your Amusement
If you come across as dull or commonplace, she will quickly lose interest in you and you will forfeit your chances of getting a 'yes'. Hence, project the image of a fun-loving, confident guy with whom she may foresee having a good time.
5. Clear communication
If you approach your person of interest and begin chatting, but then stop numerous times to restart, apologize for taking their time, and then say never mind and walk away, you've wasted a chance to communicate clearly. To avoid this, figure out what you're going to say before starting to chat or text.
6. Maintain a plain and uncomplicated approach.
When it comes to asking someone out, Overstreet advises not to be vague. If you do, you will confuse the individual and may find yourself amid a misunderstanding.
"Don't be unclear when asking, 'Would you want to hang?'" When approaching [them], be explicit "she claims. "'Do you have time for tea Tuesday night?' for example. That demonstrates that you are interested in them as a person rather than just someone to "hang out" with." A date is just a date. Be unafraid and unapologetic about it. Caginess is for novices.
7. Let Go of Your Concerns
You may feel uneasy about yourself in more than one aspect, such as believing you're not good enough or that you'll be rejected by her.
If you've been rejected in the past, it's natural for fears to surface, but that doesn't imply they'll follow you for the rest of your life. That's fantastic that you've had the confidence to ask someone out. Just don't allow your fears to come in the way of your success. Take some time to work over your fears before going back into the game.
8. Be truthful.
If you know you're ready to start something with someone, you should tell them. If you want to get to know someone better with the hopes of developing something more serious, be upfront about it. You might tell them that you like them and want to get to know them better. It is critical, to be honest about your interests, regardless of what they are.
9. Some Women Like The 'Chase.'
Girls adore a man who is a challenge, much like you love the chase, where catching an 'unavailable' girl's attention is a struggle for you.
It's simpler to get a yes from her if you have an element of mystery and aren't overly insistent. No woman appreciates a guy who is always available and always present! Provide yourself with plenty of time. If you have her attention, I believe you should give her a nice chase to hear the golden word!
10. Be true to yourself.
Sure, we realize how corny this sounds, but many males, especially those who are afraid of rejection, try to be someone they are not. They behave like the sophisticated, astute womanizers they believe the ladies desire. (Spoiler alert: the majority don't.) Don't be like those people. "Authenticity is the finest game you can bring," says Shamyra Howard, LCSW, a sex and relationship specialist. "Don't present the person you believe you should be; instead, be yourself." Now is not the time to pretend until you make it." You want to be liked for who you are. Nevertheless, how long can you keep up the act of being someone else?
11. Avoid Becoming H(C)orny
The two things that turn females off are being too corny or being too needy (read horny). Therefore don't be either. If you believe the moment has come to ask her out, simply pop the question and give her time to respond. Don't be cheesy and destroy something as easy as asking her out. Use corny phrases or gestures at any cost. If something goes wrong, there is no turning back.
Additionally, make sure you don't come across as someone only interested in getting into her trousers. I mean, why not if she wants the same thing? But if you genuinely like her, chances are she just wants to get to know the real you, so don't mess it up.
12. Everything Depends on Time
It's critical to find out your time with her. As the saying goes, "Strike while the iron is hot." You'll know it's time if you've determined whether she's in a position to be asked out by you and you're reasonably satisfied that you've made a good impression and demonstrated the proper intentions. Thus bear in mind that timing is crucial. Don't ask her out the first time you meet her; instead, take your time.
13. Be assertive rather than aggressive.
Confidence is appealing. Bravado is not. "It's vital to be alert and not forceful here," Carr explains. "Always remember to listen and let the discussion flow organically."
Zuckerman goes on to say that you should "Begin the request with an awareness of the situation. Recognize the unusual nature of the circumstance. Provide them some breathing room if they need to consider the benefits and downsides."
14. If you're unsure, avoid using the "D" word.
"I tell my clients not to use the word 'date' right away," says Rachel Freidus, LMFT, a dating counselor. "That way, if the individual is taken (or indifferent), they may express it without feeling embarrassed."
Something to say instead:
- Can we get some coffee?
- I love our conversations and want to understand more about you.
- Do you want to meet for lunch soon?
- This discussion should be continued later.
Freidus says, "This language sounds more easygoing and vague." If they accept the offer, you may utilize that time to discover their relationship status and whether they're interested in dating you. At the very least, it will be a pleasant outing with someone whose company you appreciate.
15. Determine Your Goals
Be careful and ask yourself what your objectives are before asking someone out, advises Brito. Determine your aim. Are you asking them out because you're really interested in them? Do you want to learn more about them? According to Brito, it is critical to know the answer before acting.
If you're simply wanting to hook up or use them to get over someone else, be upfront about your goals and tell them you're not looking for anything serious. It will guarantee that everyone's expectations are aligned and that no one is harmed as a result of the procedure.
16. Take note of what makes them unique.
"Whether you're online or at the store, I always urge my single clients to notice anything out of the ordinary about the other person that they're displaying," says Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., director of The Intimacy Institute. Use that feature as your entry point into the dialogue. For instance, you may approach someone and say, "Hey, I saw you're wearing a t-shirt from X sandwich store. "Do you travel there frequently?" Skyler believes that a confident curiosity will carry you far.
The same caution applies while speaking on dating apps. "People put photographs on their accounts, and as a first point of contact, you can appeal to the uniqueness of a picture," Skyler adds. You can remark on images of dogs on someone's profile, for example, but try to be as unique as possible.
"The majority of individuals will go for the obvious, low-hanging fruit." "Try to stand out by noticing the tiny things," Skyler advises. However, again, whether in person or online, simply saying, "Hi. "I observed something about you and would like to learn more," can be beneficial.
17. Do it privately.
“When you ask someone out in front of a group of people, or even just a common acquaintance, they may feel pressured to say yes. If they decline, this setting may make things difficult for you”. Zuckerman suggests approaching the individual in private. If necessary, move them to the side.
18. Please be specific!
"Mystery is exciting, but you also want to know what you're getting into with a stranger," Skyler says. When you ask someone out, make it obvious what you're asking them out for and, as previously stated, make your goals apparent. "A lot of individuals will just ask for a number with no clarity," Skyler adds, which might disguise the reason for your interest.
Skyler suggests distinguishing yourself from others by informing this individual that you are purposefully asking them out on a date and making some recommendations for what you would want to do. "I'd like to go for a stroll or have a drink," you may remark. Or perhaps tea. Alternatively, coffee. The possibilities are endless—suggest something that matches your personality and consider what this new person could appreciate as well.
19. Provide an easy way out.
If the person does not want to date you, make it simple for them to express their feelings. You don't want to go out with someone who doesn't want to be there in the first place. According to Zuckerman, an easy approach to let them off the hook is to mention in the dialogue that you understand any uncertainty or lack of interest on their behalf.
20. Get acquainted with the group dynamic.
Approaching someone while they are alone feels less intimidating. But what if the individual you'd like to ask out is surrounded by friends? "If there are group dynamics, you may need to mingle with the group," Skyler adds. Be kind to everyone, but don't be afraid to pay special attention to the person you want to ask out, Skyler advises. (Maybe they'll get the hint!)
Accept it if you ask her out and she says no.
Don't even try to persuade them to change their minds, Howard says. Certain great love films, such as The Notebook, educate men that perseverance is a sign of passion and loyalty, but this is not the case. It's terrifying. "It's truly a tremendous turn-off and a breach of consent," Howard explains. Just move forward.
TO END WITH…
It's reasonable if you're hesitant to ask someone out on a date. Nobody enjoys rejection, especially when it is personal. It can be humiliating or make previously comfortable encounters appear strange. Then there's the strain of trying to find the proper words and the optimum moment to strike.
But you'll never know the answer if you never ask the question. Instead of living with the "what if," follow this expert advice to enhance your chances of a successful date invitation—and to be ready to handle the infrequent "no" with grace.
Whether you're breaking out in cold sweats just thinking about approaching your crush or agonizing over the ideal dating app opening line, you know that asking someone out can be a nightmare. For example, we weren't exactly taught how to ask someone out in school (lol), and most traditional pick-up lines might come off as cliché and perhaps a touch cheesy when said aloud.
It leaves us with virtually no playbook, so it's understandable if you're second-guessing yourself when it comes to taking your shot. We enlisted the expertise of relationship specialists to help you figure it out.