Questions that are unanswered aren't threats, they are challenges
Amidst the Pandemic creating huge havoc all around the world, we’ve tried to make an initiative to bring some positivity to your relationship.
We’re talking about the most famous study by psychologist Mandy Len Catron, which became viral by the New York Times article. It not just outlined the original study, but it also backed it up by revealing that Catron herself has tested the concept and fell in love with her partner.
Psychologist Arthur Aron conducted the original research at Stony Brook University. Here’s what he did.
He split participants up into two groups, then paired up people to talk to one another for 45 minutes. One group made a small talk; the other received a list of 36 questions they went through one at a time -- a list which became increasingly more personal. They then shared four minutes of constant eye contact.
These questions are believed to test one’s relationship’s foundation of trust, intimacy, confidence, and help bring some excitement and gratitude in the couples’ minds.
So, if you are planning to meet someone for your first date or if you want to build greater intimacy in a relationship, you should consider giving it a try. The research found that these 36 questions are more effective than small talk in building an exceedingly strong bond in the relationship and may lead to love too.
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
- Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling … "
- Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share … "
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
WHY SHOULD THIS THEORY WORK?
Some of the questions that are contained in these 36 questions are deeply personal. They force people to open up and share about themselves, what's important to them, what their fears are, and what their dreams are. They force people to be vulnerable to others.
There is something special about being vulnerable with someone and having them accept you for who you are and this can cause deep feelings and a special bond to form.
The answers to these 36 questions will give a very clear picture of the other person, who they are, and what's important to them. This will help to determine if you have enough things in common with the person you want to continue building a relationship with. Through the answers to the questions, there is a chance that you will feel a bond, beginning to form.
Because you are doing a kind of "experiment" when going through the 36 questions that lead to love, you tend to answer them easier than if you were just normally asked these questions on a date. This allows the connection to form without making you realize what is happening. Sharing your personal things with another person might feel awkward for the first time, but the questions will start to initiate small progress as you continue.
DOES 36 QUESTIONS' CONCEPT WORK?
The answer to this question depends on the couple. For some, it may be a great way to find the right person for themselves, and some not. Here are the opinions of two people who have tried this theory with their partners.
1. On a scientific level, yes. All of the feelings and connections people feel when falling in love were there. I believe that any two people, strangers or not, would feel a greater connection after going through this process.
But in real-world practice? I’m not sure.
2. Leeroy and I are not dating, but that’s not due to a lack of interest. I think this is because of the distance, our mutual reluctance towards commitment, and too much intimacy too soon. Yes, I think the exercise inhibited us. It made our relationship seem more serious than it was.
It made the DTR (“define a relationship”) seem immediately while we were taking the time to discover what made us a good match.
If you decide to take up this challenge, I give you this warning: you can answer all 36 questions, be honest, and create trust.
WHAT DOES REAL LOVE FEEL LIKE?
Real love comes in different shapes and sizes. It includes friendships, romantic relationships, familial kind of relationships, and so much more. So what does real romantic love look like?
Opposite to how real romantic love is portrayed in movies and series, love can be quite simple, it involves a deep-seated desire to see someone succeed and feel at peace. Love is feeling love, support, affection, and compassion for someone else. Healthy love may not have dramatic ups and downs, but it has something far greater than that: mutual respect, empathy, compassion, trust, and a sense of comfort and safety.
CAN YOU FALL IN LOVE IN 4 MINUTES?
Four minutes is the amount of time that this theory has estimated, it takes to “fall in love,” or the amount of time it takes to feel an intense connection to another individual.
The most popular referenced source of the “4 minutes theory” is a study conducted among strangers. It is important to note, that the participants in that study did not fall in love in 4 minutes, but they did in 94 minutes—after answering the questions while staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes straight.
In conclusion, the 36 Questions theory has worked for some people and some not. The point is that if you know a person who you feel can be the right one for you, it isn’t bad to try out this challenge. Not only just falling in love, but this challenge also helps you to know some great things about a person and there isn’t any harm in getting to know someone you might feel is a good soul.
Do try out this challenge and let us know about the results. And, for that don't forget to get in touch with us! We are always here to help you out.